I am lonely, and I wonder how this can be possible in a city like this. I have, in past journalistic musings, come to the conclusion that the feeling I call lonely has little to do with the accessibility of companions. But I'm just not sure what it really is. Kind of...an inability to place myself. I know who I am, and I'm very comfortable with me, but sometimes I am really bothered by this unsettled sense that this me is different from the person others see.

Wow, I read my own words and I have to laugh a little bit. These are all issues that come up time and time again for me, and I always think I've resolved them...they seem childish to me, reminiscent of adolescent identity crises...I do not want to allow myself to feel these feelings or think these thoughts.

I guess it's just that I am still sometimes upset by the reality of what people can and can not know about one another. I don't know why it is so difficult for me. In some ways, I respect and love the me-ness I have that is mine alone, but sometimes, it's just too much. I just want to take a little bit of myself and give it to someone who will see it, and get it, and love it, and put it away somewhere safe. But I just can't seem to get this done.

Funny afterthought: I have almost ruined my little rambling musing space because I told somebody about it, and suddenly what I have to say isn't as okay with me. I generally think I'm a more honest person than just about anyone, but then how is it that I don't feel okay about this person reading these thoughts of mine? Sometimes, as brave and beyond caring about how others might perceive me I think I am, I am wrong.

Correction: No, I am not entirely wrong. Turns out I do care, but I am in fact, brave. Because I said what I wanted to anyway. : )

I am out of sorts lately. I have no idea what that means.

oh wait a couple more.

need to stop drinking coffee.
need to be a better and more loving girlfriend.
need to figure out why it's not easier for me/ what's wrong with me.
need to fix it when i figure it out.
need to write better blog posts, organize my thoughts and stuff.

man. head of mine, shut the fuck up, seriously.

i.....
have tired looking eyes.
have imperfect abs.
need to stop being shallow and vain.
need to read the news.
need to stop always citing facts, people will think I'm an irritating know-it-all.
need to stop compulsively hording facts in my brain.
need to find out more!
need to stop blogging at work.
need to be more productive!
need to learn how to chill out better.
need to get some nicer shoes for work and baskets to cure the organizational impariments of my living room
need to save my money.
need to make more money.
need to stop worrying about money.
need to stop needing things from myself, stop making myself guilty.
need to stop obsessing about what i eat.
need to 'fuel' myself properly, to be a better athelete, fitter, healthier.
need to stop biting my nails!!!!!!!!!!!
need to eat smaller portions.
need to stop obsessing about what i eat...really.
need to be more positive.
need to be more social.
need to get more rest.
need to study more.
need to stop being impatient.
now.
i need to start writing more.
need to write more cards to the people i care about.
need to wash my hair.
need to ride my bike.
need to order some more protein powder.
need to read more about shiatsu.
need to read more about herbs.
need to plan a vacation.
need to make a deposit in my IRA.
need to get the pearl earrings my friend wants all the bridesmaid in her wedding next weekend to wear.
need to finish making her wedding present.
need to figure out what the hell scares me about marriage so much.
need to talk candidly with my parents about their marriage.
need to let go of things which ought not really to concern me.
need to stop thinking about me so much.
need to write a letter to my friend in iraq.
need to find something wonderful to send to him.
need to write a letter to my other friend in iraq.
need to find something special for her.
need to tell kevin's sister thank-you for the hanging rack, maybe i should take a picture of it.
need to take a picture of my coat because my mom wanted to see it.
need to learn about container gardening.
need to find a farmer's market i like in the city.
need to find time to go to a farmer's market.
need to have more days in the week.
need to appreciate the days i do have better.
need to give up complaining.
need to be more loving.
need to see more beauty.
need to stop expecting so much.
need to do some more situps.
need to get the chip in my front tooth fixed.
need to research the 2008 presidential candidates.
need to call my sister.
need to get the heels of my boots fixed.
need to meopgjweoprgjeoigjmeorvjmearoiuhjgbugbh[fnpowiealwkjv';bjks'lgmkw;4eljkasreg/.

FALSE.

i need to breathe air. that is all for now.

TRUE.

i need to write. there are so many confusing thoughts and feelings swirling around and writing is the only thing that can slow them down, make them into something sensible. they are wild and whimsical and mischievous and beautiful and devious and dancing everywhere but it is only in the process of putting them into words and sentences that i can tether them enough to really get a look.

the strangest thing is though, im not sure if i really want to get a very good look right now. its a whole scary sequence of realizations, if-this-means-this, then that-means-that, than-this, than-that but then what about that. yes, that is what this is. : )

so could i just stop for a second...because really, i'm kind of making myself crazy. i'm trying to think of an analogy to explain myself, and all i can get is this image of that game where a picture really gradually comes into focus and everyone is supposed to guess what it is. and at the beginning, nobody really has any idea, but they just keep idiotically blurting things out, and then there's that moment where it's clear...tree! toothbrush! giraffe! oh, oh, oh, oooooooooooohhh, it's the eiffel tower...or whatever (where did i come up with that example?!?!? but you get the idea, don't you? yes, i do, self, since i am the only one who reads my/your blog. analogies are so perfect when you explain them to yourself!) so the point is, you eventually see whatever is really there, and the only way to do it is by letting it come to you a little bit, and then you have to laugh at the ridiculous images you'd managed to conceive only moments ago...

so maybe i can't help myself, and my poor little id will continue to be irritated by the wildly inaccurate predictions of my ego (is that backward? i hate freud.) but at least i can remember that the greatest value of all these shots in the dark is entertainment. because life is crazy and it happens and we live it and we love it as best as we can.

and we do the hokey pokey and we turn ourselves about, and that's what it's all about. (are those seriously the words? that is what i remember, but how could i never have been bothered that 'about' has to rhyme with 'about.' how cheap. i feel cheated after all these years...)

and on another side note, just to add to the coherence, intellectual depth, interest, and so on of this delightful musing of mine: i just ate MORE pumpkin. i realize some people consume too much junk food or too much alcohol or any number of other things that are detrimental to their health...and it's great that pumpkin is not one of these items...but- did you know this? probably not, unless you are a pumpkin craving fiend like me or have had the pleasure of being close to one of us- over consumption of pumpkin has the unfortunate side effect of turning your palms and soles of feet orange. so now, great, not only is my head full of far fetched ego conjectures about the future, but i am glowing with beta carotene. sometimes i don't even know what to do with myself. but i find solace in the fact that i need not take little ego seriously. and in the fact that the pumpkin is gone. i finished it tonight.

you know what else i finished tonight? you'll be thankful....this. this rambling, babbling, ramblyness. finished.

end.