i need to write. there are so many confusing thoughts and feelings swirling around and writing is the only thing that can slow them down, make them into something sensible. they are wild and whimsical and mischievous and beautiful and devious and dancing everywhere but it is only in the process of putting them into words and sentences that i can tether them enough to really get a look.

the strangest thing is though, im not sure if i really want to get a very good look right now. its a whole scary sequence of realizations, if-this-means-this, then that-means-that, than-this, than-that but then what about that. yes, that is what this is. : )

so could i just stop for a second...because really, i'm kind of making myself crazy. i'm trying to think of an analogy to explain myself, and all i can get is this image of that game where a picture really gradually comes into focus and everyone is supposed to guess what it is. and at the beginning, nobody really has any idea, but they just keep idiotically blurting things out, and then there's that moment where it's clear...tree! toothbrush! giraffe! oh, oh, oh, oooooooooooohhh, it's the eiffel tower...or whatever (where did i come up with that example?!?!? but you get the idea, don't you? yes, i do, self, since i am the only one who reads my/your blog. analogies are so perfect when you explain them to yourself!) so the point is, you eventually see whatever is really there, and the only way to do it is by letting it come to you a little bit, and then you have to laugh at the ridiculous images you'd managed to conceive only moments ago...

so maybe i can't help myself, and my poor little id will continue to be irritated by the wildly inaccurate predictions of my ego (is that backward? i hate freud.) but at least i can remember that the greatest value of all these shots in the dark is entertainment. because life is crazy and it happens and we live it and we love it as best as we can.

and we do the hokey pokey and we turn ourselves about, and that's what it's all about. (are those seriously the words? that is what i remember, but how could i never have been bothered that 'about' has to rhyme with 'about.' how cheap. i feel cheated after all these years...)

and on another side note, just to add to the coherence, intellectual depth, interest, and so on of this delightful musing of mine: i just ate MORE pumpkin. i realize some people consume too much junk food or too much alcohol or any number of other things that are detrimental to their health...and it's great that pumpkin is not one of these items...but- did you know this? probably not, unless you are a pumpkin craving fiend like me or have had the pleasure of being close to one of us- over consumption of pumpkin has the unfortunate side effect of turning your palms and soles of feet orange. so now, great, not only is my head full of far fetched ego conjectures about the future, but i am glowing with beta carotene. sometimes i don't even know what to do with myself. but i find solace in the fact that i need not take little ego seriously. and in the fact that the pumpkin is gone. i finished it tonight.

you know what else i finished tonight? you'll be thankful....this. this rambling, babbling, ramblyness. finished.

end.