s.t.o.p.

i want the world to stop turning. not forever. i just want things to stop for a second, just for one moment. please. if i ask calmly and politely, might the world grant my little request?

the thought of everything continuing to go on forward, moving and changing, the thought that everything is either coming or going and what is more, the knowing that it will never, ever- that it can't- stop, is more than i can bear today.

i want to write this feeling down. i want these words to capture this emotion; maybe if i can find the write words to hold it, i can let go of it myself. i don't know. these words don't seem right.

"s. t. o. p." i remember being in the car with bh, after preschool, pronouncing those letters. she was telling me that those letters made the word "stop" and i have this vague memory of confusion. i just couldn't get what she was saying, the whole idea that these sounds, in that order, would mean "stop." and if i wanted to say "stop," wasn't that easier than saying "s...t...o... p..."?

it doesn't seem like that long ago. ive been here such a short while, and there's been so much changing. i don't know where it's come from, or why, or what it means, and since I do know that it will never be satisfied, i have got to get past it, but right now, there is this desperate desire. i feel that i have never wanted anything so badly as for it all just to s...t...o...p. stop.