A very real and whole feeling 20 minutes a couple afternoons ago:

I am running in Central Park- a big old open field called Sheep's Meadow, to be exact. There are people scattered across the lawn erratically, all seeming content to soak up the sweet rays of early summer sun, if only for this moment. There is no path. Just this big open space, and I meander, even though I'm running, from one end to the other. Without thinking, I do a few ninja-style diving rolls. It feels good to move and leap and be alive. I am wearing a T-shirt with the perfect question printed across the front: "What's a nice girl like me doing in a place like this?" I smile to myself as I ponder the question, but the sun is shining down and the answer doesn't seem to matter just now, so I roll up the bottom of the shirt to let my baby buddha belly soak up a little sun too and keep on keepin on. : )

For these precious moments, it's easy breezy.

is it weird that i emailed this link to myself with the note "someday i will make these with my children." so that i could file it away in my gmail files for future reference?

what are the important things in life? i think aspirations of marshmallow animal making with my future children are up there...

An Observation within an Observation

I've been feeling a little burnt out lately.



[I now award myself a prize for understatement of the century.]

s.t.o.p.

i want the world to stop turning. not forever. i just want things to stop for a second, just for one moment. please. if i ask calmly and politely, might the world grant my little request?

the thought of everything continuing to go on forward, moving and changing, the thought that everything is either coming or going and what is more, the knowing that it will never, ever- that it can't- stop, is more than i can bear today.

i want to write this feeling down. i want these words to capture this emotion; maybe if i can find the write words to hold it, i can let go of it myself. i don't know. these words don't seem right.

"s. t. o. p." i remember being in the car with bh, after preschool, pronouncing those letters. she was telling me that those letters made the word "stop" and i have this vague memory of confusion. i just couldn't get what she was saying, the whole idea that these sounds, in that order, would mean "stop." and if i wanted to say "stop," wasn't that easier than saying "s...t...o... p..."?

it doesn't seem like that long ago. ive been here such a short while, and there's been so much changing. i don't know where it's come from, or why, or what it means, and since I do know that it will never be satisfied, i have got to get past it, but right now, there is this desperate desire. i feel that i have never wanted anything so badly as for it all just to s...t...o...p. stop.