you've got to feel it...

It is only the unexpectedness- the shock, in fact- of this panic that enables me to see the humor in it.  Absurdity lightens a heart too heavy, so sodden with the sinking in of an impending break from that which it has irresponsibly intertwined itself with, that it might otherwise be unbearable.

(Not to be melodramatic or anything.  No. Yes.  Allow me to continue.)

Still, I feel it sink.  Someone I love once told me when I was sad, to stop and look at the world and all the people in it.  "Don't just see it or them, "  he told me, "but really feel it..."  Something about it struck me as important way back in the day, but I didn't really get it.  I get it now.  And now, I feel it, and when I think of leaving it, the sinking happens.  Rocks in my throat, then weighing heavy, heavy, heavy on my heart until whatever it is that holds it up seems to collapse from underneath...

But then:  Then there is this voice of reason, this part of me that clears her throat and beseeches the little heart part to recall such a cold and lonely winter, so many apartments- a particular one with bedbugs, and another with crazy landlords- or maybe there were a couple of those... The inevitability of 'track changes' on the F during the commute home after the longest day ever, trying to hurry through Penn Station to catch a LIRR train at 5:30 on a Friday, reaching a point (a point which, it might be noted, I am still at) where an apartment seems perfect regardless of the fact that it has no closet or bed.  The resigned acceptance of conversations punctuated by pauses for trucks, emergency vehicles or whatever other variety of noise invades the space in which words ought to float.

And it is this that I have suddenly fallen in love with, despite nearly three years of  determined distaste for it all?!?  Here-in rises the absurdity, and then its acknowledgment, the taut lifelines of rationality catching wild little heart just in time to rescue it from the aforementioned plummet.

But then, again:  I am in the park, I am on the subway, I am walking down the sidewalk, and I feel it, and...

I don't know if I can leave just now- just now, when it's getting good.