Last day in Vietnam.

And I am in an internet cafe, or not so much a cafe, but my little internet room place/front of somebody's house with many computers that we can use for a small fee. Seems an odd place to spend your final afternoon of a trip like this but I feel like I want to write some stuff down before it slips off into that void of subconsciousness and I can't remember how to put it into words.

So what follows is a sort of listing of some of the highlights. It's not very organized- I always got better grades in "voice" than in "organization" for my writing (hmmm, does that system apply to life in general as well?) and because I'm me, I feel it is necessary to put in this disclaimer so...I don't know why. But I have a lot of thoughts in my head I want to write quickly and not so much time or patience for the dumb sentences you put in to tie things together or make things flow or whatever. so if you're into that, sorry.

adaptation happens fast. its funny to me how quickly i have become relatively comfortable here. i say relatively, and this is true- i will certainly appreciate a run in central park with my ipod, followed by a banana smoothie in my clean air conditioned apartment on sunday...but whatever. showering by squatting under a cold faucet feels pretty damn refreshing too. and yeah, sleeping on the ground in a room shared with 19 other people is harder on my back than sleeping in my bed, but it works out. a couple days ago this girl had a pillow from vietnam air that she gave to me and it was awesome. i am excited to lay down at night now because i have that pillow. i don't even sleep with pillows at home. same with the strawberry tea. i started drinking this tea at the cafe across from the peace house and it is incredible. except its not really i guess...it's just something i've found to love. but what i really love is the way our minds start finding happiness in teeny tiny arbitrary things like free airline pillows and sweet tea.

speaking of the cafe, i feel that deserves comment as well, because it still makes me laugh. these cafes are all people's houses where they serve tea and some food out front, and the tables and chairs are those teeny plastic ones used for three or four year old children in the US. so at any time of day, there are these adult men hanging out, crowded around this little yellow plastic table crammed into these itty bitty chairs...its just comical. and i keep wondering if they know that this 'furniture' is made for toddlers or not. but returning to my theme- they adapt.

this is something really beautiful and really sad at the same time here. people are really strong and patient and they adapt amazingly well, but there is not really any concept of the power of individuals to enact change. as in, there is horrible horrible pollution and dust, so everyone has these little cotton masks- they're sold everywhere, and there are really cute ones with little butterflies or flowers on the corner, or plaid ones, or whatever style you want- but none of the people i've talked to at the house, who are all university students, have ever thought about writing letters to an environmental protection organization- i don't actually know if anything like this even exists, probably not- or trying to come up with regulations or a system that could make it better. i forget how fortunate i am to have been raised to understand that action is an option. i value this a great deal, but at the same time i have to appreciate the extent to which a lack of options cultivates strength and acceptance. there is that tricky balance between trying to change things and get what you need and just doing what needs to be done with what youve got. i will be thinking about this for a while.

so another funny story: this morning i was talking to this vietnamese girl who is graduating with a degree in business and foreign trade this year. i was asking her if she might look for jobs in the states and she told me she thought new york was too chaotic. mind you, we're having this conversation in a house about 400 meters down the road from a traffic circle where i'd seen only hours ago, a lexus SUV, a cart pulled by a gray pony, seven or eight bicycles and about thirty motorbikes zipping around with no apparent direction. the traffic is absolutely crazy, bikes, motorbikes, trucks, buses, carts, everything, everwhere, all the time trying to get somewhere fast via 'suggested' lanes. we also watched a traffic light tell us to walk at the same time as it turned to tell oncoming traffic to run us down. almost as if it's set up that way, and somebody's watching and laughing at us for trusting them...suckers! except it's not. it's just a crazy place that's gotten a bit ahead of itself and is going to take a while to catch up. however, apparently even here in hanoi, the thought of new york is just a little too much. i hear ya.

when im not nearly getting rundown in oncoming traffic or fearing for my life on a motorbike, ive been at the friendship village either gardening in the mornings, or playing with kids in the afternoon. the gardening is great. i find it really cathartic to be out in the sun, getting muddy and making things grow. a couple of nights ago i had a dream that i started an organic farm in iowa. it was really cool and i had a great time, except the dream was sort of realistic, like where i don't know anything about farming and neither does anyone in my family so we were sort of finding that to be a problem. but im sure after i woke up i got it all figured out and everybody in dreamland had a good time and ate some organic corn on the cob and apple pie to celebrate.

it's been hard with the kids in that no one has really told us what's going on with any of the kids; we just kind of get there and they're outside ready to hang out...but they're all different ages, about a quarter of them are really mentally disabled, about half are deaf, and about a quarter just have physical disabilities (i think), and none of them really speak english. but by now we kind of have figured out whos who and whats up, personalities and the like, and there are some really awesome kids. there is one little boy who i am totally in love with, he is soooooooooooo cute and teeny tiny with some messed up feet, but he manages to run around and jump around like crazy on them anyway. its really sort of amazing. anyway, hes very smart and very much likes to see what he can get away with, but he has a giant heart and happiness and all sorts of other good things practically pour out of him when he smiles. im going to be sad to say goodbye to him this afternoon.

so what else?

ive had some pretty good zen kinda moments out running. maybe a combination of heat, chemicals, tiredness, culture shock, endorphines? or maybe im just getting closer to total and complete enlightenment. : )

i also turned a corner running and saw a puppy get slaughtered. startling. also the cows just wander around by the side of the road here and i stop and pet them a lot and all the vietnamese people laugh at me. but my wishy washy vegetarianness is gone away, and ive lately felt really sure that i don't want to eat any more animals. i promise not to start working for peta or anything, and i promise i won't ever try to tell anybody else what to eat, but i am done with flesh for now.

last night we had an 'international night' where we all cooked for one another at the house, and wow it was good. prior to this, i was eating a lot of clif bars, and a lot of rice and vegetables, asian pears (so good) and natural peanut butter i brought from home...but last night, oh last night. we had korean kim chi, japanese curry, some other japanese pancake things that i dont know anything about except that they had no meat and were good, fajitas, a big romaine salad, and way too many japanese sweets for dessert. oh, and of course, smores. my friend jodie bought these sweet crackers and some chocolate and some tropical fruit flavored marshmallow like things...and we couldn't do a fire, so we roasted them over the gas stove on chopsticks...so it was not quite traditional, but they got the idea...

so. many, many experiences the past couple of weeks. sad it went so fast. i'm not going to lie- im excited for some of the things i have at home, but im not really ready to be done traveling. but maybe after 20 hours flying and an 11 hour layover in tokyo, ill be more ready.

and there's plenty of adventures waiting in new york. the good old chaos of new york... and im not ruling out organic farming in iowa some day, although ill have to find someone to take care of my crops when i need to run away somewhere for a couple of weeks...

let's call upon eleanor roosevelt for a closing here, even though i liked her way better before i read her autobiography...but she said some smart stuff, including the following:

"life has to be lived. that's all there is to it."

So. Lately I've been a little, shall we say... ruffled?

But prior to this recent (and current) period of ruffledness, I had maintained a pretty long period of general contentedness. Really, the longest run of contentedness I think I've experienced in my adult (fine, semi-adult) life.

Anyway, now that run is over. I'm shifting and itching and shedding and growing and changing, new things are happening. Sometimes I get this way; I think it's because I'm alive.

Okay, though, so the point is, I'm okay with this restlessness- it's an important part of me.

But here's what's bothering me.

I wrote an email to one of dearest most wonderful friends the other day that did a rather excellent job of capturing and expressing my current itchiness.

Her response was sweet and lovely and honest and kind, but there was something in it that I can't stop thinking about.

She wrote back that she appreciated the email, etc., and then commented that my correspondence with her in the past year has been filled with "lots of flowery statements about how much you loved life and new york and all the rest of it- quite possibly true, but i dont really know anything about you and your life anymore."

I'm not sure exactly what emotion it is that this strikes in me- I think real emotions are often kind of a unique blend that defy our efforts to try to label them- but it has undertones of irritation but also amusement, definitely some confusion and frustration...

First of all, I might mention that I have NEVER said I loved New York. I am a very honest person, and I have maintained, since moving here, that although I do very much love parts of my life here, I would love to pick up those parts and transport them to another location, because I find the city itself to be very difficult.

But that's not the real point either. The point is that much of my life in the past year HAS been flowery and lovely. And it's not an accident that it was that way. I made decisions about what I wanted to do and I worked hard to set up a life that would enable me to do it; moreover, I have recognized that there is good and bad all around, and that I can make a choice to see and appreciate the good and do my best to further it in my own simple and smiling way.

This does not mean I have shut out the bad- on a personal level, I am far from my family and I spend more time indoors in an office than I would prefer to; on a local level, there is poverty and worse, a lack of self respect, on display througout a lot of my neighborhood; on a national level, my country is being run by men I have massive disrespect for; on an international level, there is a hideous war where children and families are being blown to pieces every day- not to mention an endless other array of ugly things, but let's pick one for now- which brings me back to ugliness on a national level, where the country in which I reside is largely responsible for this bloody and disgusting chaos, and then to a personal level, where two of the most wonderful people I know are stuck in the middle of it...

I have not forgotten all that is not flowery, believe me. But I have made a choice to also see that which is, and to make a conscious effort to exude that in myself, because I believe that what I choose to exude has an impact on the rest of it. If I choose to see and focus upon that which is flowery in my life, I am capable of offering to my neighbor a genuine smile, and to the world, a genuine spirit. Sometimes there are things that upset us and there are times when we feel pain, and that's okay, and that's also life- but I think it's worth recognizing that the times when we can offer the most to the world are when we are at our best and most flowery. Think of the power a single, truly happy child has to evoke happiness in those around him. Is there not something about that state which we ought to strive for?

I could worry and I could cry and be angry and I could be cynical and I could let it all wear me down. I could try not to be so happy and bouncy so I wouldn't seem, you know, too perky. Or I can be "flowery," because I have a pretty damn good life.

A flowery life is less interesting, I know. As proof, just read the headlines- consider our appetite for all that is scandalous. We're gluttons for the unflowery. We want the dirt.

I think there's enough dirt without my tossing in any extra handfuls. I want to be the beautiful thing that stands out in the pile of dirt. And maybe the wind will blow, and some of my seeds will scatter and some more beautiful things will grow. And the dirt will always be there- hell, to take the analogy to its extreme, we need the dirt; it's the dirt from which we rise.

La, la, la. I know this is not exactly what my friend meant. I recognize that. But it's something to think about, and I've thought.

I'm restless right now, and not my prettiest and floweriest self. But I can't wait to get back to that pretty, simple center. And when I get there, I can guarantee I'll probably write some more boring, flowery emails about how much I love the life I've chosen to live.

There is a list I made while sitting up in a tree on my college campus one time. It is titled 'Things that Make Me Happy:' and it is a long list, filled with things like dancing barefoot around the house on sunday mornings, fresh brightly colored produce, acoustic guitars, children smiling, and of course, flowers. Interestingly, I was inspired to make this list the day after spending a particularly flowery morning with my friend, in which she talked me into getting into the ocean for the first time in years and then we had a wonderful and mindful and simple and beautiful lunch...

I love my friend, and I think that many times she herself is one of the more beautiful flowers out there.

But I want her to recognize that a simple little flowery life, although it may be different than what she would choose, is still a life.

today i realized...i really love being human. and sharing that with other humans.

it is very hard for me to be around lots and lots of people who are closed off from one another. smile everybody! connect! open up! share yourself!

i got a fortune cookie the other day that said: "you stand in your own light. make it shine." i kind of want to hand that cookie to everybody. have a cookie! shine in your own light!

so umm...the funny thing is, as you may notice, i am in a really lovey, sundressy, flowery hippie kinda mood this afternoon- this is largely a result of a fantastic trip to the health nut natural grocery store this afternoon. sooooooooo many wonderful wholesome treats- hemp milk, peanut butter puffins, peach rice dream, organic bananas and carrots, natural honey milled soap!- and how it makes my day... i really never cease to be amazed at the ability of the natural grocery store to make me feel content. that's weird, huh? i think so too.

oh well! : )