im trying to write a better post than this but i can't. i keep typing. deleting. thinking. biting my nails. type. delete. and its not that surprising. its one of these days where im not really quite sure about: what im not sure about. problematic, eh.

i think its weird how far apart from one another distance and proximity are in determining how close two people get to be. this seems contrary to sense. and what is it even that is close? when i stop and i really feel all of the connections between us i am sure that they are real and i am sure that there is something strong holding us all together and i wonder what it is.

i am sad again. ache, hurt, twisted all over, not about anything really, just because. when i look at people, i can not focus on them in the here and now. my perceptions are displaced in time and everyone, everywhere is just a slice of something so much deeper and more. i can not just see the person anymore, i am distracted by the shadows of who he has been and my visions of what he might become.

i don't understand where the pain comes from. it often occurs to me how burdensome it is to remember everything, how i wish i could just be here and let go of all the years past. they were not, however, bad years. most of the memories are of moments that were pleasant when they occured; in fact, they are pleasant when recounted aloud even now. but when im thinking and thinking and thinking of them, suddenly they ache and they are tears coming out of my eyes. how come?

[what have i become? my sweetest friend...everyone i know goes away in the end.
if i could start again. a million miles from here. i would keep myself

away.]


it just hurts today, and i cant expain it and i just have to feel it and then it passes and im better. it can't rain all the time. : )