there are a million little things i remember about everything. all coming together to make this one crazy perception i have of the universe and how it and all that composes it works. and it's so funny how all of what has happened and what is collides and determines what i believe might happen and what role i play in what really does happen.

someone once described life to me as one big play, where there is all this unknown plot and unknown everything and we are but characters in it. but always, no matter what goes on in all of the unknown parts, we have the ability to play our role in whatever way we please. i love this. i return to it now and then and i think it is good to remember to check in with ourselves and our character, just to make sure we're making the most out of the script as its unveiled to us.

i feel really, really good about all of this now. i look forward to what i still do not know; i relish the opportunity to further develop my role.

i am awake. why am i awake? i am sick. i have an upper respiratory infection, or so they told me today. a bad cough that won't go away and overall not feeling good-ness. which is rather unsurprising, considering that i am sleeping about 5 hours a night...

i get so perturbed with the world when i am tired. its ridiculous. i can be entirely rational about it and attribute the bad energies i feel to my lack of sleep and it doesn't help at all. or does it? i guess it helps in that i know, or can at least retain the hope, that this will subside after i get some rest. i also hope the fire in my throat subsides.

im tired and a bit lonely. housemates are off skiing and he who keeps me company is at his house across town. damn it, i wish he were here and damn it, i wish i didn't wish it so much. i hate how im always wishing he were here.

well. now in trying to figure out what it is i hate about it so much, i've exhausted myself and i can finally, finally, finally go to sleep. i hope, i mean, really, really hope i have peaceful dreams. im worn out, and i really just want some nice dreams. nice dreams is a radiohead song. great band. good night.

sometimes i think it is a relief when people just give the whole damn understanding thing a rest.

...i used to have this little card that said 'if knowing were all it took to understand, then knowing that you did not understand would seem to be an understanding.' i really like that. ...

the times when i feel closest to someone are usually not when i am understood, but rather when i am not understood and it's still okay. it's easy to love someone when you can make sense out of it all. it is harder when you can not. if someone will hold my hand even when they can't figure out why i need it held, it's important.

i am tired, and full of a mango bran muffin. damn it, i shouldn't have eaten that. great. now breakfast is going to be off. because, you know, when you eat breakfast foods before bed, it messes up the balance. what balance, you ask? THE balance. THE BALANCE. need more be said?

there are so many stories in all of us. i think sometimes we are afraid to tell them for fear of sounding trite, for the fear that when someone else fails to take out of a story what we put into it it is somehow invalidated. or maybe that's just me, i don't really know.

it's really difficult to know the difference between what is 'just me' and what is not, because i am me, and no matter how much i try to contain it, this 'meishness' is a constant and pervasive influence in everything i think, produce, am. so i find my best recourse is just to acknowledge it, remind myself always that much of what i think to be clear and obvious is shaded by an intense me-ness that happens to be invisible to me, just because i am me.

hm, glad that's established.

so, back to stories... im getting too tired to tell any great ones tonight, but before it's gone, i should note this interesting little tangent that has been going on somewhere in the back of my brain while i'm trying to write. understanding. we all want to be 'understood' so badly, and i'm not sure i get it. it's such a pivotal moment when you believe someone understands you, and such a blow when it first dawns on you that they don't. i have some other thoughts on people understanding one another, like that it's impossible, but that's for another night. for now, just wonder why we're all seeking, or at least think we're seeking, to be understood. and what is that really, i mean, where does the word come from... is it really from under and stand, and then is it supposed to be some kind of support? that validation?